when nothing seems right..

All my life, I’ve always been a laid back sort of person. Whenever people were crazily studying, I attempted to “look” as hardworking..but truth was I could hardly concentrate for more than an hour on books. I’ve always liked studying at my own time, at my own pace. That way, I could absorb more when I actaully feel like it.
Then there were activities. How I love all the school activities!! Sports and clubs and associations. They were my ultimate happy times in school. And between achieving ok results and having the time of my life with side activities..I was a very happy kid..pleased with what she has achieved.

It never bothered me that someone else was getting better grades. Or someone else was getting more awards. Or that someone else was chosen to the state finals. I was just happy that I tried my best and achieved what I did, and simple awed the fact that those other individuals managed to get what they did.

This carried on..all the way to university…I continued to be that sort of person..and happily graduated with not-so-bad grades. Then I got a job…it wasn’t at a super huge company…it wasnt so international or anything like that… it was a school. But I was happy…and I was good at what I did… and I looked highly upon my boss. Other than the fact that I had a crazy tempremental senior who had emotional outbursts every now and then..I was doing great.

So why was it that people looked down upon it so much? Why did my mother have to sneer at the things that I do there, or look at it as if it’s not even a real job? Why did friends make jokes about the place that I work. Why do I hear stuff like “it’s just a school after all” or “alaa, dah kata kerja kat sekolah”. I took it all in stride at first. Laughed it off just like any other day…but when you hear it almost every other day continuously for a year, it finally gets to you… so i left…part of the reason being my psycho senior was causing much grief to my life (hasad dengki dalam manusia..humph) and also because i thought..fine.. since everyone’s saying that this isnt a proper job..i’ll go get a proper job.

So now, I’m at this top company of it’s line..doing work day in and out…working till up to 3 o’clock in the morning…being pressured to excel like mad simply because they saw that I had the potential…pushed to my limit till I simply broke down….. so is everyone happy now..? I have a REAL job.. whatever that means. I’m working with a BIG company. I’m working on LARGE accounts. I’m working LATE nights. I’m dealing with HUGE clients. Is everyone happy? Any new comments??

I’ve grown thinner than I’ve ever been. I look like crap. I earn shit pay. I hate what I’m doing. BUT it IS a REAL JOB after all, RIGHT? So now i’m miserable and unhappy and stressed and depressed and emotionally unstable. But I’ve got the REAL job that everyone keeps telling me to get. And now when they see me physically and mentally exhausted by all this what do they say?? “Kenapa berhenti tempat dulu?”

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

But you know what…I didn’t know why I bothered about what others thought of my job… I should have just ignored them completely. Why did I let other people burst my happy bubble? Maybe the reason why it hurt me most was those who gave the comments were the ones who really mattered to me.

*sigh*

Why can’t I do what makes me happy…? Now that people see me on the verge of mental breakdown (also because I can’t stop babbling about it)…they tell me to look for another job. Great. That’s what I plan to do anyway. Now they’re saying it doesnt matter what the work is as long as I’m happy. Uhuh. Right.

What makes me happy doesnt make them happy. It’s not a REAL JOB.

So what are they saying exactly?

I wonder.

Either way…is everyone happy now?

I’ll stop now. I’m not making any sense.

1 Comment on when nothing seems right..

  1. I have a strong suspicion that I may have been one of those people who (at the very least) asked you why you quit your last job, and I gotta say, I never really knew the effects of things I say could have on you. For that I apologize. I didn’t mean to hurt you that way. You’ve asked me numerous times about whether you should quit your current job and whether that would make you look like a failure. Each time you do, I don’t have a clear answer. But I really wish I did if it would mean putting you out of your misery. But let me just say that most of us just want to see you happy and sometimes, what WE think would make you happy isn’t the same with what YOU think/know would make you happy. That’s where all that misunderstanding came from. We mean well, but maybe it’s more important that you listen to that small voice inside you. And if it says that you should quit your job or risk becoming half the healthy person you used to be, then by all means, do it. Meanwhile, I’m still here. Listening. Love ya.

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when nothing seems right..

All my life, I’ve always been a laid back sort of person. Whenever people were crazily studying, I attempted to “look” as hardworking..but truth was I could hardly concentrate for more than an hour on books. I’ve always liked studying at my own time, at my own pace. That way, I could absorb more when I actaully feel like it.
Then there were activities. How I love all the school activities!! Sports and clubs and associations. They were my ultimate happy times in school. And between achieving ok results and having the time of my life with side activities..I was a very happy kid..pleased with what she has achieved.

It never bothered me that someone else was getting better grades. Or someone else was getting more awards. Or that someone else was chosen to the state finals. I was just happy that I tried my best and achieved what I did, and simple awed the fact that those other individuals managed to get what they did.

This carried on..all the way to university…I continued to be that sort of person..and happily graduated with not-so-bad grades. Then I got a job…it wasn’t at a super huge company…it wasnt so international or anything like that… it was a school. But I was happy…and I was good at what I did… and I looked highly upon my boss. Other than the fact that I had a crazy tempremental senior who had emotional outbursts every now and then..I was doing great.

So why was it that people looked down upon it so much? Why did my mother have to sneer at the things that I do there, or look at it as if it’s not even a real job? Why did friends make jokes about the place that I work. Why do I hear stuff like “it’s just a school after all” or “alaa, dah kata kerja kat sekolah”. I took it all in stride at first. Laughed it off just like any other day…but when you hear it almost every other day continuously for a year, it finally gets to you… so i left…part of the reason being my psycho senior was causing much grief to my life (hasad dengki dalam manusia..humph) and also because i thought..fine.. since everyone’s saying that this isnt a proper job..i’ll go get a proper job.

So now, I’m at this top company of it’s line..doing work day in and out…working till up to 3 o’clock in the morning…being pressured to excel like mad simply because they saw that I had the potential…pushed to my limit till I simply broke down….. so is everyone happy now..? I have a REAL job.. whatever that means. I’m working with a BIG company. I’m working on LARGE accounts. I’m working LATE nights. I’m dealing with HUGE clients. Is everyone happy? Any new comments??

I’ve grown thinner than I’ve ever been. I look like crap. I earn shit pay. I hate what I’m doing. BUT it IS a REAL JOB after all, RIGHT? So now i’m miserable and unhappy and stressed and depressed and emotionally unstable. But I’ve got the REAL job that everyone keeps telling me to get. And now when they see me physically and mentally exhausted by all this what do they say?? “Kenapa berhenti tempat dulu?”

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

But you know what…I didn’t know why I bothered about what others thought of my job… I should have just ignored them completely. Why did I let other people burst my happy bubble? Maybe the reason why it hurt me most was those who gave the comments were the ones who really mattered to me.

*sigh*

Why can’t I do what makes me happy…? Now that people see me on the verge of mental breakdown (also because I can’t stop babbling about it)…they tell me to look for another job. Great. That’s what I plan to do anyway. Now they’re saying it doesnt matter what the work is as long as I’m happy. Uhuh. Right.

What makes me happy doesnt make them happy. It’s not a REAL JOB.

So what are they saying exactly?

I wonder.

Either way…is everyone happy now?

I’ll stop now. I’m not making any sense.

1 Comment on when nothing seems right..

  1. I have a strong suspicion that I may have been one of those people who (at the very least) asked you why you quit your last job, and I gotta say, I never really knew the effects of things I say could have on you. For that I apologize. I didn’t mean to hurt you that way. You’ve asked me numerous times about whether you should quit your current job and whether that would make you look like a failure. Each time you do, I don’t have a clear answer. But I really wish I did if it would mean putting you out of your misery. But let me just say that most of us just want to see you happy and sometimes, what WE think would make you happy isn’t the same with what YOU think/know would make you happy. That’s where all that misunderstanding came from. We mean well, but maybe it’s more important that you listen to that small voice inside you. And if it says that you should quit your job or risk becoming half the healthy person you used to be, then by all means, do it. Meanwhile, I’m still here. Listening. Love ya.

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